Shouting the door or leaving it wide open?

They say When you end up any kind of relationship is better to leave an open door, meaning ending in good terms in case you want to go back some day. But what about live relationships.

When it comes to keep in contact with an ex “stay friends” and such, it may sound immature ti say it, it has been pointer out to me, but I found the idea hillarious.

When does the love and affection goes? Why does it have to end? Does are questions a friend of mine pointed out while discussing the matter. Where does it goes? Well it dies i suppose, and if it doesnt I personally take Care of killing it.

From my point if view, When you really love someone, and you mean it, When Its truly love it becomes to painful to keep in touch, to see him every day, or even to hear about him through mutual friends. Leaving the door open becomes a living hell in the expectations that every shadow that aproches Its going to be the person that walked out, returning to see if you are still there waiting.

Isnt that what We yearn for, after a love leaves for no apparent reason, that he suddenly realizes his mistake, turns around and find US to make it alright, but statisticly, how often does that happens? How long should We wait with that open door, expecting something Will happen, and not being able to focus in something else or in someone else.

For me shouting the door doesnt mean lock it and throwing the key away, the door Will still be there, for him to make an efford and knocks if he ever Wants to, but having that door close means i can take Care of my self without worring whats on the other side, what ir who might be coming through it.

The “perfect” date pt1

How hard is it to have the perfect date, I guess as hard as finding the perfect perfect. Truth being told the perfect person does not exist so does it mean the perfect date is also a Fairy tale.

Being honest I have had the perfect date, perfect first date to be more accurate, the one that has all the datails the great book of how dates should go talks about, and those little details you add that just make it perfect.

Having said that, is it unrealistic to expect every date, correction “first date” after that to have the same characteristics or to at least feel some how similar. It is wrong to mesure by that rule, by that date; or should be settle for nothing less once We have found “perfection”

So his Birthday is coming up

I feel stupid by keeping in my mind such an irrelevant date, and then I wonder is it irrelevant?. So far I’ve only had one boyfriend, I came out a year ago an although i have dated, I’ve only had one deep relationship. His Birthday is coming up two weeks from now and as the date approaches, I can see more and more comments on our friends fb Walls about the big celebration coming. Deep down it bothers me because i wish i was the one planning this for him.knowing very well the place he is gonna be on the eve of december 17 the idea of improntu showing up has crossed my mind, but I dont know what would be the point of doing that, for what I’ve heard he is “Happily” dating a guy, what would be the point of going to check that out. Coming to the conclussion that Its simply better to wish him a Happy Birthday and all the happinnes of the world (for real) I’ve come to the dilema, do I actually say it to him or just “wish it”

P.S. Am i still in love with him? Yes, who i am kidding in saying no.

Para ti

Tengo un grito en mi pecho que quiere salir
Pero busca que lo escuchen, no solo morir
No quiere agotarse en el infinito
Pero tus oídos no lo escuchan, lo ignoran
Lo bloquean.

Decir que te extraño? Una vez mas?
Todos lo saben o al menos así se siente
Decir q no entiendo? Otra vez?
Lo diferente seria que al fin comprendiera

Será que si llamo, tomaras el teléfono?
Será que el llanto parara algún día
Hoy me di cuenta tristemente y a mi edad
Que el placer no es lo mismo q la felicidad

My First Time…at a gay club

Fantastique! pardon my french but I just had to said that on a foreign language, it was so exciting, although I have to say the experience it self might have been on steroids cause A) it was the much-anticipated opening of this Fabulous, with capital F, club; and B) the first time I went dancing with my Bf.

The Club name is “Shiva” and it’s themed with an Arab/Indy mystique. We (bf and I) got there early so we had to wait in line ’till the doors open, and as usual, in Salvadorian time, it opened half an hour after it was supposed to.

Once inside you forgot about the “never seemed to move” line, the dance floor was awesome, in fact, it had two dance floors, one for pop music and the other one mainly to latin flavors

We settled at the pop dance floor, spend a while dancing to Shakira, Madonna, BEP’s and of course Queen Gaga, and then, the most magnificent show, the Salvadorian Version of Cirque Du Soleil, started! It had everything, from belly dancers to people apparently flying, hula-fire-rings and Opera! As I said the most magnificent show I’ve watched so far (never been to Vegas though)

Another point that probably made the evening so great was the fact that I found half the gay heard on the dance floor, so another occasion where we could depart, was a plus.

The evening ended early for me, no one got bashed, stoned or pucked, and I got to see a couple of super hot lesbians make out, a great night lol

A Homosexual Journey

Decided to change the name of the blog, because although I continue being gay in a small city/country. I’ve discover it is much more exiting and interesting if I’m gonna share anything, to share the experience I’m having as I go through this self-discovery

Sometimes little steps we take, seemed so hard to do a little while ago, and as we take them, we ca not but feel proud of ourself for doing something that we thought nearly impossible

I’ve lived a lot since the last post, but right now I’m gonna focus in something last year had me so confused and worried: How to make a gay connection?

So as you know (thank you for reading) I came out of the closet last year, and after doing so and telling my family and some close friends, I was left with the question: Now what? ; what was I supposed to do? I wanted to date for sure, but how was I supposed to find someone. or consider this, should I find friends before a “boyfriend”

I was at a confusing spot with no gay-guide to show me the way, I wanted my queer Yoda to help me, so although I did wanted a special someone in my life, I also was eager to find friends. I will not bore you with the details right now, but I did find myself a special man who is now part of my life.

but what about the friends? I do have to admit that all those years watching “friends” on tv spoiled me and planted the idea on my head that those were the kind of friends I wanted.

turns out last thursday I had the opportunity to “depart” with a group of young homosexual men, that had gather to watch a sort of independent film (gay cinema) after wich I was invited to have dinner with them and it was a totally different experience!!

literally OMG! I am still trying to find a word of how to describe the gathering of gay men, “gay heard”, “fag gang” I don’t even know but I had a blast! It was so much different than when I used to gather with straight men, not only because of the lack of homophobia, but because I felt I could actually chip in the conversation, not just pretending to agree that “that girl is hot” or “Ronaldo is a mother fucker” I had a voice within the group :’)

Experiences like this is what I want to share, little moments, little steps, that for the straight guy or even for the “used to it” gay guy seem so insignificant, but I can tell you that for this pair of brand new homosexual eyes, are memorable.

 

 

Porque en Ingles?

Siendo latinoamericano, porque escribo en Ingles se preguntara usted. Cuando aprendemos un nuevo idioma, los profesores generalmente nos dicen que el objetivo no es traducir las palabras al hablar, sino llegar a pensar en ese idioma, pues bien, ese es mi caso.

desde pequeno, que fue cuando apredi ingles, realmente aprendi a utilizarlo dentro de mi cabeza; luego con programas de tv, peliculas y series (como friends) llegue a comprender y utilizar el lenguaje en su forma mas comun, a utilizar el lingo.

La verdad es que me siento mas comodo pensando y escribiendo en ingles que en espanol, como este post evidenciara, porque? no lo se asi soy yo, actuo fuera del cubo. lol

Tambien es cierto que muchos de nosotros hablamos o entendemos ingles asi que no considero sea problema que entiendan lo que escribo y por si hay alguno de ustedes por ahi que no entiende ingles, les recomiendoutilizar goggle chrome como navegador, hay una super buena opcion para traducir paginas web.

saludos a todos

Gay in El Salvador

What’s up you guys! I know I haven’t posted anything for a while, I also know even when I did, not a lot of people read lol, but that’s ok, I mostly do it for myself; but now I want to do it for you!, specially you gay guys and questioning youth in America Latina, cause guess what? it’s also hard and not quite the same as being gay in Ohio (USA).

As you may or may not know, recently several cases of LGBTQ kids suicides have being reported and put on a spot light. Now, that’s not really news but the matter should be addressed and I’m glad it has “gay bullied kids often think of ending it”

The matter is important and something needs to be done, there is a great project going on, on YouTube, called the “it gets better project” you have no idea how much it has helped me personally and I will post about it later on.

But although actions are being taken on the States and the problem is being addressed right now, what about the South of the border? Now if you are reading this and you live in America Latina, you now it’s not exactly the same as living in the most intolerant town of Texas.

For starters if you grow up in a small town in the States you can always move (as hard as it can be) to a more accepting, bigger city. Can you do that in latinamerica? well yes, but there’s not much difference in moving from Queretaro to Mexico city. it’s not quite the same experience a kid moving from little creek Minnesota gets when he goes to New york.

Latinoamerica is sooo close minded and bigotry is around the corner even on the capitals, I could compare it to the USA 10, maybe 15 years ago.. .yeah we have one hope, I know, Love Argentina!

Anyway is not as easy for us to migrate, it’s not a guarantee things will get better and even on major cities, we still have to go through hard stuff; our experience is obviously different but things can get better. It is my personal philosophy that adversity makes the true potential in people surface.

Just imagine being bullied by stupid homophobes on your country, you can either give up and that way they’ll  win, or you can prove them wrong and live your life happy at fullest, I bet that will really hurt them.

Their hate can be the motor for you to do great things, to put more effort in your studies (specially if you don’t like fútbol or sports); to obtain a great job, where you’ll be the boss and they will pump your gas; to gain a scholarship and leave maybe the States, Canada, Spain, Argentina, hell wherever you want to go!

I want you to know I understand, and I recently gain the courage to speak out about this things. I promise from now on the blog will focus on AL matters.

Thanks guys!

I’m still ahead of you because I’m a girl

Jealousy is a bitch! and in my case the green-eyed demon has decided to hit me and hit me haaaard!

In previous blogs I think I’ve mentioned a gorgeous guy I work with. Anyway I’ve become friends with this guy, not as closed as I want to, but hey! somewhere you have to start. I’ve also became friends with this really cool girl, to whom I had a really big discussion at the beginning, but since then, we have come close.

I like groups, female and male groups of friends. So I tried to pull them together when at the time they didn’t talk as much; and now they have become close as well. I was happy thinking I had accomplish my mission, having a mixed group of four (there’s some other girl) and thinking I would eventually come close to the guy, since we are the only two guys on the group.

That was until one day, accidentally on purpose, I looked at an open messenger conversation and discovered my male friend and my female friend meet each other often after work. after that, I discovered they chat A LOT… and when I say a lot I mean unhealthy and adicctively a lot… through the messenger and blackberry.

Jealous? yes! why? that is the sad part, I don’t know! but what I do know is i shouldn’t be.

I mean he is STRAIGHT, she is a GIRL, and though with a boyfriend, that is not any of my business!! I think I’m jealous because I’m been left outside, and mostly because I pulled them together.

There is truly nothing I can do, I like them both a lot and don’t want to lose any of them. The way I see it theres is nothing more to do than Keep my feelings to myself, I mean it would be pointless  to say anything … In case I didn’t mention it, he is straight and she is a girl!

I know it probably has happened to some of you, you get stuck in a situation like this. It’s weird and sad, because you know no matter how hard you are willing to try, fight for it, or whatever you are willing to do, you are doomed to lose.  Quoting Rachel Berry: “Even if I were a second, a third, a fourth, or even the fiftieth, I’d still be ahead of you because I’m a girl.”

My friends suck!

It was one of my friend’s birthday, so we all decided to take her out for lunch. We don’t see each other very much since high school so birthdays are always a good excuse to gather and share.

I arrived a little late cause I was at university and is a little far from the place where we were supposed to meet. So I finally get there (20 minutes late) and after greeting the birthday girl, I join the conversation.

It started with “the girls are unleashed these days” that would be the most accurate translation … parenthesis, “these days” how old are we? are the good old days over? lol.

So as I didn’t know, I asked what were they talking about. Apparently just before they sat down at the table, in the one in front of them or in the one next to us, whatever, there was a couple of lesbians feeding each other some ice cream. I was sock of the way they “unleashed” their homophobic comments towards them (at the table) I can say I was so disappointed of them.

I was disappointed cause until that point, I never gave any thought of how they felt about lesbians and gays; I probably believe it wasn’t much of a deal to them, as neither of them is! you know: LIVE AND LET LIVE. however that day I found out, that was not the case. Even the one I believe most open-minded and the one that compares herself to Samantha Jones asked “How could they not be ashamed of themselves”

It crushed me, I don’t think they would be accepting should I come out to them. I used to believe that some of them suspected about my situation, but I don’t think they would make that kind of comments in front of me if they did… gosh I wish they wouldn’t.

Sometimes I just want to publish it on Facebook : “yep I’m gay … if you’re not ok with it please remove me from your friends list” that would make things so much easier. no more speculation about who is ok and who is not, no more gossip and stuff. but the unknown is scary and so is the idea of being left completely alone.